5 things you can do to ruin Christmas and 5 things you can do to be forgiven for it

Let’s be honest. Happy Holidays are not always that happy.

It’s the last week of the year, everyone is tired, and difficult conversations are easily provoked. The results? Christmas: what a fiasco, again.

Think about it. If you already know there’s a big chance that these festivities will also turn into a nightmare, at least, you could have some fun. After all, it’s socially acceptable to have some more drinks than usual, your family will still love you—no matter what—and someone must help that lady on the other side of the table and teach her for once how to chew with the mouth closed, really.

So, if you don’t like Christmas, and you feel like something needs to change this time, or your sexual relationships were too complicated this year and you can’t wait to open the champagne, or even if you just want to have a good time, but also bring justice to the table when things get unbearable… Try these ideas (and thank me later):

Gift recycle. 

If you don’t like the scarf your aunt gave you for Christmas, you don’t have to be disappointed. Just keep it for a year and pass it on to somebody else who has the same bad taste than hers. And, if you don’t like your aunt either, save it anyway and give it back to her the next time, changing the names on the card. It never fails, and the cost is zero. Advantages, wherever you look at it.

Talk about politics.

They love it; it’s just they don’t know as much as you do about it. So you can actually think of the time spent in this dinner as an investment you do to educate your family. Does anyone believe that healthcare should be privatized or abortions should be punished by law? Punish them with infinite facts that prove they’re wrong. The more and passionate you talk, the faster it will all end and you’ll go back to bed.

Expose family secrets.

Oh, yeah… There is nothing more satisfying than making all feel really uncomfortable instead of listening to the same basic talks and complains. Is everyone on the table too silent, or too loud? You can change that. If someone is getting married and you find it out before anyone else, please congratulate them first and hug them intensely, while looking in the eye to that annoying cousin who’s always the centre of attention. Not anymore, I say.

Get really, really drunk.

This doesn’t need to be explained. Just do it (I’m joking… Please don’t, unless you want your parents-in-law to hate you and stop inviting you to these horrible meetings, then it is exactly what you should do).

Tell the children that Santa Claus doesn’t exist.

If the rest of the family wish to continue being so hypocrite, it is their problem. Why should a smart 4-year-old child think that a fat, mysterious old man is in charge of the presents? Even if the kids might cry at the beginning, don’t forget you are actually doing a favour to their parents: it’s time everyone knows who’s paying for that expensive bike. Am I right?

However, if any of these tips work well, or everything goes too far, there’s always something you can do to amend it:
Cook something delicious.

Do it to show them who’s the boss, or just because you like food and eating it is an efficient way to reduce the stress levels. Cook your favourite dish, and do it with love. To yourself. No one needs to know you don’t care for them. Just share it with an open smile and realize how lucky they are for having you in their lives.

Take some nice pictures.

Even if dinner was a total disaster, what people will remember is what’s on the photos. Take a close-up pic to the appetizers your sister did with not-so-much effort, or ask the neighbours you pity invited to pose next to the tree and give them some party accessories, so they can dissimulate how boring they truly are and you save your sit in heaven. It’s a clear win-win.

Hug people a lot.

We are all dying. And we are all suffering, too. Let’s get closer, show some love, and forget for a while that we are alone and insignificant in this vast universe. You have no idea of how much some people need to be hugged… Maybe they’ve committed a terrible crime last month, maybe you did, who cares?

Dress nicely.

People like you more when you look well, and this way they won’t assume you hate Christmas in the beginning, which gives you some time to try the previous ideas. Until someone invents a decent cocktail-pyjama dress, keep the style alive and wear something that deserves the envy of your worst enemy. You never know when you will see them again.

Get really, really drunk.

Do as this grandma does and apply the most infallible excuse for any bad behavour in the history of humankind. You might not actually save the event from the collapse, but you won’t remember anything anyway. Make the hangover worse than the party itself, so at least you pay for what you’ve done quickly, and karma leaves you alone sooner.

And remember: after all, any excuse is good for a party. So do me a favour and try to enjoy it, come on!

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